4Give or FuhgetAboutIt
By: Peggy Willms
(6 min read)
If you didn’t get a chance to see my radio show episode this week (9/15/2020 The Coach Peggy Show; hop over to peggywillms.com or onto transformationtalkradio.com with Reverend Misty Tyme, you missed a fantab convo regarding her Forgiveness Solution and Forgiveness Algorithm. I guarantee it will hit close to home in some fashion with you. Cause let’s just say when I thought I had grown up and was moving towards nailing this “Oh, I can forgive, and it is okay NOT to forget” thingee, I walked away feeling like, “Whoa, girl, you have a fair bit to go.”
At this point in my life, I have walked about 73 million steps (yeah, I did a bit of math), so I feel confident I have grown intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally around this subject. We all have a list of people we have either forgiven or need to, or we simply wouldn’t be human. According to Misty’s test, I fall mostly in the One and Done category, yet truly I have been more like a Four and Done. Why? I don’t just get hurt once and then bounce. I have lived what I call the “Bloody Knuckle” syndrome. I try really, really hard until my knuckles bleed (metaphorically). After I haven’t “changed” them or been validated my hurt is real or been given an apology, and finally, if the “I will never hurt you again” speech never arrives, I Bloody Knuckle low-crawl myself down the concrete driveway of devastation. The give-up sets in, and I switch from on to off in seconds. Sure, I feel the feels: get pissed and throw a pillow or ten or call a friend and bitch and moan or cry, then bam it is over…the Four and Done is in action. They are now not only blocked from my mind, heart, and often soul, but in the 3-D Earthly sense – they are also canned off my social media and well, frankly, the damn planet. POOF. #BuhBye.
I can rationalize the stings:
- Hurt me once, okay, perhaps one of us is having a rocky morning, and the Advil P.M. didn’t’ work.
- Then up pops number two — ooh, I might even label this one a quinkeedink: truly she wasn’t trying to crawl the corporate ladder by stepping on up over my head. Nah
- Along swoops in number three-I smelled this one coming…maybe it was the negative board meeting call out or the non-recognition for all the work I did to make her shine or the direct ”you can’t do anything right” (Using my ‘inside voice’ I whisper to myself, “Whoa, sista – slow to hell down, do you know you just used your ‘outside voice?’ That thought slid off your lips?”). Assessment: now we are getting a bit intentional.
- And the final action zooms in loud and clear – the arrival feels like a 747 screeching down a run-way on my heart. “You’re not educated enough for thaaat position. Your experience doesn’t matter.” IT’S HERE. Finally, I get to label the action: “The straw that broke the camel’s back.” The final “I ain’t forgiving you episode has arrived.” Another one bites the dust – the last hoorah. I sit in the moment (real-time) and make a move; the Four and Done girl has entered stage left. With Magic Wand in hand – whoalah, gone is the Evil Queen. “Thank you for your opinion, I resign, and you will never hear from me again.”
I know you are about ready for some good news – headliner. “Peggy Has Grown Up a Little Bit.” Prior to interviewing Misty, I have done some internal work when it comes to forgiving or forgetting. I am able to recognize I am NOT acting 2 or 12 or even 20 anymore. I can now assess: did the person try to hurt me; maybe the person was hurting, and I was the brunt of their release; maybe the person did try to hurt me because I hurt them-how might I have hurt them; I can call and ask their side and share mine without too many expectations; I can wait a bit to respond when I sense dust needs to settle; I can write down my thoughts in a letter and not mail it; I can recognize I do not have to forget what was done in order to forgive…YET.
Yup YET, during my interview with Rev Misty, I recognize I have more work to do. I still have a bit of slide-off-the-damn-ledge, not-a-master-at-this-thingee called forgiveness. I still want to: 1) “over” talk it through or 2) tell them how they hurt me, surely that will help them grow and change, or 3) still think “this” will never happen again.
Misty has now shed some damn energy-saving LED light on my heart. You are in the spotlight of change, Lady Jane. My take-aways were:
- Really figure out what my story is. What or whom specifically hurt me? And do I really want to forgive?
- Everyone has their own Justice Scales. This was huge for me…you mean, what I think is wrong, others might think is right? Come on, Peggy, just look at Dems vs. Reps. They both think they are right. I am actually trying to absorb the fact that most of us are wrong more than right. WTF on that one?
- What are my expectations, AND WHAT IS REAL?
- Will and Skill. This was truly one of the biggest takeaways. If someone simply does not have the Skill to meet my expectations and the hurt or pain is just going to keep recycling, think it over…hmmm. AND if the person doesn’t have the Will to meet me where I need them…hmmm.
- Her toolbox. OMG. Realizing I may have to dive into bits and pieces or sometimes all of these tools and strategies with each experience to work through forgiveness…feels like it is going to take me a lifetime. From praying to meditating to therapy to journaling to reading and to perhaps just sitting in it and taking the time. OH, MY HELL. But I got this. I mean I have done a ton of this. After all I am doing this for me – not anyone else. Right?!
- Then it happened…I got to a place of understanding. A word that felt strong and positive to me – CONTROL. I have control. Forgiveness isn’t about losing control or failing or being weak. I have the control to decide who hurts me or continues to hurt me. Even if it is family. I can have someone in my life if I choose the boundaries I set. Or I can choose it isn’t the right fit for me. I feel like partying like a Rock Stars – I have control, ya’ all.
I am going to continue to use her strategies as I am sure I will have to keep digging into her box of goodies as I work through every single humanoid or damn instance that makes me want to “Bloody Knuckle” again. I know every event, experience, or relationship is unique. I get it, but apparently, there is no blueprint to all this Forgiveness stuff where it is fixed indefinitely and on auto-pilot. It is a process – an over-and-over-and-over work in progress.
But guess what, Misty? I AM NOT MAILING THE LETTER. The letter I spoke about on my show…the letter you screeched, “You didn’t mail it, did you?” Nope. I have assessed: the person does not have the skill or the will. I cannot change the person. I have the data the person is just this way – the real data – I am not the “only one” on the list of ouches. I do not need to try and change someone. I do not even need, in this case, to say my side. I have a “drunk uncle” at the BBQ scenario. I love that metaphor.
I am free AND yahooozeeee, my knuckles only need a bit of Neosporin and two Band-aids. Damn, I am good. And I am not too self-righteous in this growth, but I do have a little bit of “Rest in Peace, Beotches!”
All Things Wellness, LLC
Special Mention: Thank you to Reverend Misty Tyme (www.RevMisty.com)
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