No Apologies

By: Faith Pearce

(4 min read)

I know I have been quiet for a while, but I make no apologies for it. 

For so long, I apologized for everything. Every word was “sorry.” However, I do love the “sorry, not sorry” movement. It’s a beautiful thing to give ourselves “permission” to step outside the perpetual loop of apology…ok, so I digress. When do my blogs ever follow a straight line? Faith’s Brain Dumps are back.

I have been gradually retreating. It is one of my coping mechanisms, an old familiar habit. When life “feels” too much, I pull back. Recently I fell back into a cycle of putting more emphasis on my feelings because I was “feeling” overwhelmed. More feeling, less doing.

In these instances, my ego takes over, the steadfast protection mechanism to keep things in order and protect me. Sometimes I can catch it when it happens but not always. 

So many people have different concepts of what the “ego” is. For me, it is a way to feel in control which is usually based on past experiences. It is something that feels familiar, comfortable, and safe.

The main problem is that this old and outdated behavior is often exactly that. Old and outdated, but yet so familiar. After a while, when things have slid downhill for a spell, and you don’t feel so great, it’s time to try “Plan B.” 

Plan B, for me, is hard to admit and say. My Plan B is …” Ok, I need some help. There has to be another way. 

I am very self-aware to the point that I know when I need to reach out. My ego does not accept this easily. And there have been many tantrums. I think of it as a death of the ego, a time to let go of whatever behavior no longer serves. Any change is like a mini-death for me because I have to let go of what no longer serves me. 

I’ve tried many approaches over the years but always fought myself. I’ve tried the following:

  • The Ultimatum: “THIS IS WHAT WE ARE DOING!”
  • The Reasoning: “THIS IS FOR THE BEST” (what may be “best for me” may not always be what is best for others)

Each time this ends with a standoff and neither side budging. The ego wants to be in control and will do anything to protect the perceived safety it is creating. 

I have been here before. I continue learning and strive to do things differently. I am meeting my ego where it is; the part of me that felt it had to do things in a certain way to create love, safety, trust, and purpose. Until I hear what all the parts of me need, I can begin working together with my ego to do things differently. Listening to what they say and feel, and thanking them for working so hard to keep me safe. 

I acknowledge everything my ego has done. I now am gentler with myself, give thanks and offer an embrace. I acknowledge that each part of me always has a positive intent. Sometimes it is just working on outdated software. 

If you can, just for today, give yourself grace and thanks for everything you have done in your past and what you do every single day. 

Can you accept that you do the best you can with the knowledge you have at that time?

It doesn’t mean you want to stay there. But what does it serve to keep fighting with yourself over it?

Today, I say,

“Hello, ego. Thank you so much for keeping me safe. You have been working soooo hard, yet you never seem happy. I know you only want the best for me, so let’s try something new together. I see you and hear you, but we can only move forward by both of us continuing to grow and improve. I know you are afraid of change, but I’m right here with you. This time, I am taking the lead.” 

Faith Pearce 
                                                                     All Things Wellness, LLC

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