Oh, Sweet Tooth Mother of God

(4 min read)

It is Candy Month… 

Whether you remember walking around the fair with your blue cotton candy, grabbing 25 pieces of penny candy before school or sneaking one of mom’s assorted chocolates from her stashed box at Christmas time there probably isn’t a person in the US or abroad who doesn’t know what candy is or have a memory and secret obsession with it.

We have movie memories: “I want Raisinetes and M&Ms.” Take me out to the Ball Park memories: “Cracker Jacks, please. Oh yay, I got a candy ring.” Vacations memories with maple fudge and salt-water taffy. Not to mention how many of us have TMJ from all the years of BazookaDubble Bubble or Hubba Bubba.

It did shock me, however, to hear a full month is dedicated to candy. JUNE. I asked myself why do we have a special month when Americans do not need to be reminded to consume any more sugar than we already do? We already suck down more than 150 pounds a year.

Inquiry minds want to know…

Whenever I get curious, I dive right into the beginning … the WHY. National Candy Month was first observed in January of 1974. Apparently, sales repeatedly dove right after the high demand of the busiest holiday season of the year, Halloween through Christmas, because of New Year’s resolutioners. They got the blame. Every January 1st, the restricted diets and gym memberships amp up.  Result…Candy Month was born. The observance moved twice…it started in May and then moved to its current slot, June. And it is a massive hit. Shock! We love sugar comas!

The candy industry produces a big boost to the economy-apparently upwards of 55,000 jobs and $35 billion in mullah. Obviously, a significant sector for retailers. We are left to get educated and monitor our own consumption. It wouldn’t be AS bad if we stuck to the “natural” substances which originated with the family-owned confectioner, mom-pop shop recipes. But oh no. Humans are all about mass production and mounting sales which requires making food taste delicious and look gorgeous, darling. So let’s add a few artificial sweeteners-they are cheaper, food colorings even the ones banned in Europe, such as blue and yellow-so pretty, and more crap like potassium sorbate and sorbic acid for “integrity and shelf-life.” Candy lasts days and days…okay months. Jelly Beans found a year later still taste the same. So there ya go. Not only is the over-consumption of sugar unhealthy, but we also consume all sorts of other *%^@…

It is no surprise to anyone who knows me that I am a Sugarmethaholic. Yes, that is me. It reflects how powerful that white granule or powder can be for me. Okay, truth be known – I will sloth down the brown stuff, too. Oooooh I love the way it melts in my mouth [insert eyes rolling back in my head and a slow, mmmm purr escaping my lips]. Therefore, in my infinite wisdom, I found a solution that better serves me.

Years ago, I decided it was time to downsize my enormous Sugarlicious buffet. The assessment began with how I “felt” after “we partied together.” My mind and body. How did I FEEL before, during, and after any of my lil’ Devils in disguise rocked my world yet again? It was rather painful to get real with myself. I truly thought I had self-control. Apparently, my “self-control” strategies weren’t working:

1) The Stash Method: Hide it, and you will forget about it or at least pace yourself. Stashing huge, “on-sale” boxes of Hot Tamales in my car trunk apparently wasn’t stopping me from eating the whole damn thing in one night…”Oh, but look at the steps you got tip-toeing out there. That’s a plus.” SWEET, MOTHER OF GOD, really?!

2) The Pour Water on It Method: Pouring water on another half-eaten pan of brownies so as not to consume the other half wasn’t working…”I’ll just pull from this edge. It’s not thaaaat soggy.” SWEET, MOTHER OF GOD, really?!

3) The I Will Only Have One at a Time/I Am Strong Enough to Save It for Later Method: I knew this one sucked from the second I started it – EVERY SINGLE TIME I STARTED IT – this is called denial in addiction, right?! I will eat one Rolo throughout the whole day. Oh sure…one after another in 5 minutes and then the thought…why didn’t I buy two of the hummers? They were two-fers. SWEET, MOTHER OF GOD, really?!

4) The Avoid Method: Who keeps moving the damn candy from aisle to aisle? Just when I get strong enough to avoid getting a snack at the gas station…they put them at the checkout! WT, you know what!!! I continued to lose the battle with those frick’n chemical-ridden Goetze’s. SWEET, MOTHER OF GOD, really?!

But, hey, my loves, there is hope – If I can get smarter, you can surely get smarter! Age has a few benefits. After OD’ing on the white and brown stuff over and over with no self-control for years, and feeling like H – E – double hockey sticks every time with a follow-up of at least three migraine days, and, oh yeah, the incessant bitching about it, THE SUGAR SNOB WAS BORN. Oh, yeah, SWEET MOTHER OF GOD. I arrived!

The Reveal: The Coach Peggy Sugarmethaholic Menu.

A few times a year:  I’ll consume about a dozen chewy chocolate covered caramels-not the bag, a Twix (both the left and right side), or an Almond Joy, and I won’t get sick. Then about half of a bag of Twizzlers and get sick. But at least I know it and can throw out the other half bag. LORD – still an area of improvement. They say licorice is one of the foods that never digest.

And after a slow process of elimination (like decades), the most beautiful and delicate romance AND party developed between myself and my current companions. About once a month, I consume the largest piece of homemade carrot cake with real crushed pineapple and carrots, chopped walnuts, and real cream cheese frosting from a local pizza parlor (I know that is simply hilarious). I make last three days. I will also have TWO raised/honey-glazed donuts. Yes, two. Whatever the baked good treat is, I consume it at 2 pm with the hottest cup of coffee a human being can stand, and I am telling you it is a guilt-free party for two. All that is missing: the Bee Gees How Deep is your Love melodically playing overhead.

Ladies and gentlemen – Coach Peggy’s Candy Month was born!