The Attitude Car Wash 

By: Peggy Willms

(4 min read)

We were headed to Costco the other day on our monthly three-hour (or five-hour) tour, and I noticed all of the car wash companies on the way. And my mind wandered.

We live about forty-five minutes from the nearest big box retailer. According to Wikipedia which is the closest thing to reading the Bible and Dr. Google when you want answers, Costco is the third biggest retailer in the world. Rotisserie chicken – and the meats – is why we go for my man and Premier protein drinks, produce and coffee is the main attraction for me.

In our transition, I noted there must be about thirty car wash businesses from point A to point B and I was only looking at my side of the highway. It is not like we live in a huge metropolitan area to justify this ratio. There were three main types; mom-and-pop shops, gas station attachments and truck stop washes.

Many of the names were creative, yet obvious, with the exception of Woodie’s. Squeaky Clean, Soapy Suds, King’s, Tommy’s, Clean Machine, Speedy Clean, and Spot On only to name a few. Whoa, and there is a new one popping up soon. One that is 5,000 square feet and will run between $5-6 million to build; the showering spot for all of those peeps driving McLarens and Bugattis, I suspect.

I am a people person. Yes, a person who gets along well with people, but also a person who studies people. And in my brilliance, which translates to post the third cup of coffee and 10 minutes of Vitamin D, it came to me.

You heard it here first! We need car washes for people.

My customers would also have multiple choices because we know that people want choices. From the do-it-yourself model, the fancy wait until the light turns green, drive-through model, and the have someone else clean this mess up model.

Dependent on each “case,” the time and cost vary. You might just want a quick rinse on the way home from work allowing yourself a fresh attitude when you walk through the door. This is an option for that person who hasn’t hit a 10 on the people who cannot stand you list thus it’s the fastest and cheapest option. If you have been a pain in the ass for a month, we have a location for you, too. It will cost you a penny as you may need a hard-wire scratch under the hood.

I would begin with five centers and market with these messages.

Control-Freak Carl

Allergic to stepping outside of your Comfort Zone, Carl? Take baby steps with us. Start with the manual option and move on up to full service. But only when you are ready, Carl. Enjoy our standard, no big surprises menu. Do it yourselfers, select your desired wash time and program, grab the wand, and go. Let’s start with the bottom of the car – or maybe the top. Oooh, which one? Today, try something new. Maybe take a risk and use the bubble brush. Oooh. Don’t get your shoes wet. Heaven forbid you get that bubble gum off those Doc Martens you have been wearing since 1999. Carl. Oooh! Someday, on your timeline, let us try to take care of that ride for you. But hey, take baby steps with us, here at Control-Freak Carl’s.

Grumpy Grumpalumpus

Come on down, you Grumps. We have everything and NOTHING for you. If you simply cannot stop griping about everything such as the weather, other drivers, the price of gas, or neighbors mowing too early, we are for you. Take a few moments to save the world from our misery and let us deal with you. Come sit in the lobby and drink our horrible coffee and sit in our stiff chairs. Or you could use the manual option yourself of which we are sure the wands suck and the pressure is like a slow-trickling faucet you had in 1943. We probably don’t open early enough for you, but hey, if even you can’t stand you, drive through.

No Time Nancy

Does your car look like your daily calendar – full of crap and no time for anything else? Race into the lot and head right into our workstations. Our private rooms allow you to check your email, host a zoom meeting or finish a PowerPoint. Let us do the rest. The full-service, head-to-toe choices fit you. You look good and never miss a beat. If you have No Time, Nancy, come by. Time is money and money is time. You go you…literally.

Yippy Ki Yay

You love life. Do you want to feel fresh or enjoy a high gloss touch-up, stop by for a ship-shape shine? What about a self-care day or prepping for date night? Use our Zen service. We take care of you – so you don’t have to. We have got your car, and you go do you, Boo. Hit the spa downstairs, a hot yoga class, and get that hair done, Sis. Grab a fresh, carrot juice smoothie or a glass of champagne and let the happiness rain. Your VW bug awaits you…when YOU are ready. Om.

The Perfect Pain

We will never run our business as well as you can. Duh! Spend time following our staff, department to department, as you prepare your exit summary. Your report tells us exactly what we do wrong. We will take desperate measures to live up to your standards knowing completely well we never will. From your red-soled Louis Vuitton’s to your luscious lashes, we will have your sled looking just as delicious as you do. From your alloy wheels to your rag top, we got you! Oh, yo, on your way out, make sure we didn’t forget the spotless rinse. We look forward to next time where once again our delivery doesn’t deliver. Chat soon!

Again, in my brilliance, the world is a better place. Which one of my attitude car washes do you plan to visit today?

Peggy Willms
                                                                     All Things Wellness, LLC

The information provided is the opinion of the author. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice. diagnosis, or treatment. The author and the business, All Things Wellness, LLC, and its owner Peggy Willms, are not liable for risks or issues associated with using or acting upon the information in this article or on this website. We assume no responsibility for tangible and intangible damages such as physical harm caused by using a product, loss of profits or loss of data, and defamatory comments. This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn from qualifying purchases.