To Wee or Not to Wee
By: Peggy Willms
(3 min read)
“Wait a minute. I will be right there.”
Every time we get ready to leave the house, I have to use the bathroom AGAIN. I just went pee, but I HAVE to go AGAIN. It doesn’t matter if I am going for a walk, a 10-minute drive, or to the store, I have this overwhelming feeling that I might get stuck somewhere without a restroom. And with every trip back into the bathroom, those waiting for me get more frustrated. “You just went.”
If you think my going-somewhere ritual is a joke, try my nighttime one. It is exhausting. Literally!
My getting ready-for-bed routine is the same as it is for any of you. Wash my face, moisturize, brush, floss, and make sure my feet are clean. Yes, I have a weird thing about dirty feet in bed. After finalizing all these activities, I use the bathroom “for the last time,” and crawl into bed.
Let the busy night begin.
After watching a bit of Big Brother or some other reality show like The Voice or Masked Singer, I get up to go pee for the “last time.” I then put in my Bose white-noise earbuds, throw in my mouthguard, slide my silk eye mask over my forehead, and smash my Mohawk into my MyPillow (which goes everywhere with me). You cannot imagine anything sexier than me with all this garb on, right?! Heyyyy, girl, hey.
Let the seven-hour devil/angel conversations begin…
“You just went. You don’t have to go. Yeah, but maybe a little. Should I get up now? But if you do, you won’t be as tired as you are right now, and it will take longer to fall asleep. But if you go, you might be able to make it to the three-hour mark. That would rock. No, you won’t. You never make it three hours without getting up to use the bathroom. Did you drink too much water today? NO. You always ask that. No, I didn’t! Maybe you drank too much right before bed. Oh, look how smart you are – you say that every night. ‘Stop drinking at least two hours before bed.’ #! @*&% just go already. Grrrr.”
I comply, and the result…I will be transparent…three drops.
This routine has lasted decades, actually, my whole life. I do not have bladder issues, infections, or other medical conditions. And I am certainly not pregnant. My last dose of caffeine is by noon unless I might have a ½ decaf ½ regular before 3. I have tried tricks and tips and nothing. The reality is that I use the bathroom on average three times a night. It disrupts my quality of sleep, for sure, and is beyond frustrating, but at least I am consistent.
A few times a month, I party like a rockstar by slamming back a full adult dose of NyQuil. That helps me reduce at least one trip to the bathroom. Other times, I have noticed that when I use Advil, I seem to go less. Maybe it reduces the inflammation I am loaded with, and my body doesn’t toss and turn so much.
In any case, it is frustrating. I accept this burden and assume that the night-time conversations will continue.
Over the years, I have jokingly said, “You think I get a lot of work done now? Give me a catheter and an IV stand, and I will never have to leave my desk.” However, after getting up FOUR times last night, the catheter seems like a great option. (PS: I don’t want to manifest this, so…I am just joking.)
Well, I have to get up and get more coffee. Let the contemplative discussion begin. “To wee or not to wee.”