White Noise
By: Faith Pearce
(3 min read)
With the release of my story in the new book, Win the Wellness W.A.R., imposter syndrome has been raising its head. I have learnt, though, not to react when these feelings come up for me and just observe how I feel and what actions I take. This is a different approach to what I would have done in the past when I would have spent time either absorbing myself with OMG, I’m not good enough, or just generally getting stuck in a loop of feeling overwhelmed and thinking I was making a mistake.
By taking a bit of a backseat, it has allowed me to view things differently and just observe instead of getting stuck in a normal loop.
I have always had very vivid dreams. As a child, I used to have such vivid dreams that I used to wake up never knowing if they were true or not. It was like the waking and dream state blended together. Being a bit of a dreamer and spending a lot of time inside my head probably also added to this. I used to actively sleepwalk most nights and wander around the house carrying my duvet and quite often lose it and wake up cold. But I’ve gone off on a tangent.
Dreams…They are something I have been fascinated with for years. I can even remember some of the recurring dreams I used to have when I was very small. They used to involve water, losing my sight, and the fear of falling in or of chasing people and never being able to catch them up.
It’s like when I sleep, my brain goes into overdrive and processes everything that has been going on throughout the day, whether I have been aware of it or not. This does not always aid in restful sleep.
I have spent lots of time researching different meanings and have many books on different dream interpretations. I have spent many hours breaking down each detail and what it could have meant.
What is my point? When I woke the other morning, my dream was so fresh and clear. I was talking with a friend, and things were changing. She was moving, and I wouldn’t see her anymore. I was no longer needed or important.
What was different, though, was that, for the first time, I could see exactly what my subconscious mind was showing me. A very long-standing program, and fear that, at first, I wasn’t good enough and that people leave. Instead of taking the dream literally, I could see what it was showing me. I sat with my thoughts for a while, playing mindless games, allowing my brain to digest, and an advert came up. “Play this new game, escape, switch off,” and it was like a light bulb moment. So many of the coping mechanisms I have used over the years have been to escape…NOT feel, and this was exactly what I had felt in this dream. Alone, scared, lost, worthless, and unlovable.
As I lay in bed, the lyrics played in my head “Just noise, White Noise, You just wanna keep me on repeat and keep me crying.”
In that moment, I instantly put my iPad down. It felt like I had been slapped in the face. There is so much “White Noise” out there, so readily available and happy to be wonderful distractions but ultimately so counterproductive.
I lay looking at the ceiling and placed my arms around myself, and said out loud. I’m so sorry you felt so alone and scared and that no one was there for you. I’m sorry I’ve ignored you for so long and not listened and just hugged myself. As the tears ran down my cheeks, I felt a peace and calm come over me.
The truth is we can run from the things that don’t feel good and things that scare us, but only when we can just feel them and have compassion for ourselves can the true healing begin.
I am grateful to recognize these patterns and programs. I now give myself space to feel whatever needs might arise, allowing me to more easily move through them.
Faith Pearce
All Things Wellness, LLC
fancyfaith1234@icloud.com
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